Foaly's Diary
by TheBigCat
Summary: Set during the time when Holly, Artemis, No1 and Quan were in Limbo, Foaly tracks what happened back in real time by means of his diary. Plenty of humor, and I'm not being full of myself, that's what the reviewers are saying! Please Read and Review! LATEST CHAPTER- A most puzzling mystery
1. From my (literally) Biggest Friend

**(A/N- This will be an ongoing story, unlike most of my others, and I need a Beta Reader who is on FanFiction a lot. If you feel that you could do this, PM me and I'll check you out.)**

I have started typing this diary to track my feelings, and maybe when my talents are recognized at last, I can get it published so I won't have to do all those interviews and I can be at the parties instead. Anyway, on with the entry.

Today Butler called me on Artemis's phone, which was a bad sign from the start. Artemis would never let anyone use his things, and Butler looked a lot more haunted than usual. I have attached a transcript of our dialogue below.

Me: Hey Mud Man, what's up?

Butler: -

Me: Has something happened? Wait- Where's Artemis? Where's Holly? Where's that demon?

Butler: Gone.

Me: Gone? Where?

Butler: They disappeared. Into a glowing, red hole that warped.

Me(tapping out calculations on screen): Artemis thought of what I had been thinking of earlier.

Butler: Which was?

Me: If the temporal hole in the Time Stream had been collapsing, he must have gone back to fix it. (pauses) Wait, how exactly did they get into that time stream?

Butler: He was trying to defuse a bomb, and Holly's wings collapsed under the weight of 3 other people. Then the 'time stream', as you call it, swallowed them up.

Me: Oh.

Wait, three other people?

Butler: Yes, Artemis, the little demon, and one other demon that the little one de-stoned.

Me: Oh. Okay.

(beeping in the background)

Me: Uh-oh, Sool must of found out that I'm using an unauthorized line. I've really got to go. Bye Butler.

It wasn't until later that I realized I'd just called Butler by his name. But I didn't care. My best/only real friend was missing, maybe dead. How could I care?

_And,_ said my subconscious. _She didn't even buy you those crates of carrots._

Foaly

**(A/N- Well? What do you think? Review and I'll update. Please?**

**-TheBigCat)**


	2. And Who the Frond is WingGirl5?

**(A/N- Thanks for the reviews! Here's the next chapter.)**

I was thinking about Holly last night, but nothing good. I kept picturing her getting mauled by angry demons, or falling off a cliff, or dissolving in the time stream. (For a complete list of my worries about Holly, head to my web site ) My good sense told me I was just being silly, but my other bit of good sense told me that it was absolutely right to worry and that I should just stay home from work and cry.

Needless to say, I ignored my good sense.

When I headed into Section 8 HQ today, Vinaya**(sorry if I got the spelling wrong)** confronted me.

"Where is Holly?" she demanded.

"um…" _Fantastic, you idiot, _I thought. _Your wittiest line ever. _" She's on… vacation? Yes, vacation."

I didn't want to tell her, but Vinaya forced it out of me. She sat back, amazed, angry and sad, but mostly angry.

"And why didn't you contact me immediately? I am a busy elf, as you well know."

"um…" I said again. That was beginning to become my catchphrase.

She dismissed me and I went to my office to pretend to do work, but in actuality chat with my buddy, Mulch Diggums.

TRANSCRIPT:

Blackstallion77**(Sorry Einstinette, but it's cool)**: Hi.

DirtMuncher13: Hey Pony Boy.

Blackstallion77: Mulch, no time for that, something horrible has happened.

DirtMuncher13: What? Have your precious computers crashed? Or maybe IAE?

Blackstallion77: IAE?

DirtMuncher13: I Ate Em.

Blackstallion77: WingGirl5 has gone.

DirtMuncher: What? Holly? Gone?

Blackstallion77: Yep.

Mulch disconnected and rang me. I explained, with quite a few 'umm's. I think I'll go to bed, I did too much explaining today.

Foaly

**(A/N- So what did you think? Review, and the first person to tell me how to properly spell the name of the commander of Section 8 gets a chapter dedicated to them.**

**-TheBigCat)**


	3. A New Bracket Record

**(A/N- All right, I really need more reviews if you want more writing. So, if you want Chapter 3 to come, I've got to get at least three reviews. Ta!)**

Dear diary(I know this sounds human-ish(That's probably not a word(Wow! triple brackets!)),but it works),

Holly has been gone for two weeks now and I am getting depressed. Will she ever come back? Has she got mauled by some rouge demon? Am I just being paranoid?

Oh, I just got a v-mail from Mulch. It says: "_Foaly, stop being paranoid and have a carrot._"

Wow.

Has Mulch become pyschic when I wasn't looking? Although dwarves have quite a few abilities that I don't know about. Hmmm.

Anyway, something really weird happened at the office today. I saw two pixies walking past today, and they looked so happy together, in actual love, like Artemis's parents.(I know this because I hacked Artemis's cameras and one was in his parents room) I actually felt JEALOUS! How can that be? I'm the technical consultant of Section 8, how could I fall in love? Now I'm very confused, so I'll do what I do when I usually get confused: have a carrot and go to bed.

Foaly

**(A/N: So, that was chapter 3. Yes, I know, two chapters in a day, but I actually wrote that one a while back. Okay, I have five things to say. One, I know the chapter names suck, but if you have any better sugestions, PM me. It's not easy being a writer.**

**Two: Thank you Ders7045, for being the first one to review. This chapter is dedicated to you. I'm sorry about the problem, but I don't understand what it is, and is this length okay?**

**Three: I might be going on holiday for two weeks or so, next week, so I won't be able to update as quickly as you like. But I will, okay?**

**Four: That bit in the second chapter, during the Chat scene, Einstinette used the name BlackStallion in one of her fanfics, so I was just apologizing.**

**And last: I'm a girl, okay?**

**-TheBigCat)**


	4. Evil Spirits!

**(A/N- Okay, I didn't get 3 reviews, or even 1, but I'm going to continue anyway. Remember, this time I'm serious.)**

Okay, I believe that evil spirits are _**h**_aunting my house, because I wasn't a good enough friend to Holly. Call me crazy (everyone does, so it's _**o**_kay), but it's true. He_**r**_e'_**s**_ my account of what happen_**e**_d.

I was having a really bad day at work because noone would talk to me, although I have no idea why.I mean, it's not my _**f**_ault she left in a weird time portal (butler showed me pictures) th_**a**_t obviously was dangerous. Holly ca_**n**_ be stupid that way.

Mulch _**c**_ame to se_**e**_ me, apparantly to cheer me up, but he only made me more annoyed. I mean, it was good to exchange insults for a while, but when I have to do my work, it gets irritating_**.**_

Example:

Mulch: Hey, hoof man, _**w**_hat's that?

Me: It's a very special gas scr_**e**_en that blows up if you tamper with it.

Mulch: Really?

Pixie(coming in): Mr Foaly, we need a dozen of those special Neutrinos for Mission 118. They need to have...

Mulch: Don't you have better things to do than annoy us.(_**b**_urp_**s**_)

Pixie: Well then, if you don't want me, I'll leave_**.**_(exits)

Me: MULCH!

See what I mean?

I was so irritated that when I got home I didn't look where I was going. I accidentally tripped(four left hooves) and fell onto my patent pending non-slip _**c**_abinet where I h_**o**_ld all of _**m**_y precious items. (such as hoof polish, my first hard drive, my old paintings of Haven, and most precious of all, my photo of Holly.

Needless to say, everything on it slipped off and broke.

It almost felt like my heart was breaking, my only holo-picture of my very best friend had broken. Maybe it's a sign that she's dead too?

No, don't think about it.

Hmmm.

I'd better have another carrot.

Foaly

**(A/N- My fourth chapter. I'm not going to be able to publish any more for a couple of weeks (holiday!), but please review, I'll be back soon.**

**Also, you may have noticed that i made some letters go bold. If youput those together they spell out the name of my Artemis Fowl FanFiction companion site. It isn't much, but I'll add to it in time. I'll give you a clue, it has something to do with ...**

**TheBigCat)**


	5. CENSORED

**(A/N- Sorry I took so long to update, I was on holidays. Yes I did get the three reviews, all from Ders! Thanks.**

**And, this chapter is dedicated to Einstinette.)**

* * *

Dear Digital Diary,

I'm calming down a bit about the Evil Spirit Incident, although I still jump at the sounds of howling, whitch happens quite often. Why? One word: Mulch. _Grrr. _He is being awful! He's CENSORED He won't get out of my office, when I try to shove him out, he releases a bout of CENSORED flatulence. Look it up.

I keep on begging Vinyaya to set up a project to look for Holly and (I grit my teeth to say it) Artemis. I would never tell him, but I'm getting quite fond of the Mud Boy. He's grown on me, you know. Anyway, Vinyaya refused, saying it was too CENSORED expensive. I hate to admit it, but she's right.

I have an idea, though.

I'm going to raise money, like a fundraiser, to help Holly. I estimate it will cost over 12,000 ingots.

Wait a second.

That's way too CENSORED much to raise!

(_Translators note: The rest of the FSB(Fairy Serial Bus) containing the fifth diary entry has been made unrecognizable by the following things: Tears, smashed bits, glass, acid, carrot shavings, fur, shampoo and bits of hard drive. The only bits of the diary left are as follows:_

_'I'm worthless, a failure, the worst friend, I should sha'_

_'ait, wheres my carro'_

_'CENSORED'_

_'CENSORED frie'_

_'ENSOR'_

_'Foaly (Sob, sob, sob...)'_

* * *

_Draw your own conclusions.)_

**(A/N: I gotta go in a sec, I'll update soon. Promise! R&R!**

**~TheBigCat)**


	6. I saw you on the Big Screen

**(A/N: Oh, gosh, sorry I haven't updated for a while. I'll keep this short, but thanks to my new and old reviewers: Harry Artemis Jackson (One of my buddies), Rapunzelinthesnow(A new one), and my faithful reviewer, Ders7045. Thanks to HAJ and Rapunzel for Vinaya's name, this is dedicated to you. Oh, and this chapter is a bit different.)**

I wander around in the busy streets of Haven, moaning and griping about my dear lost friend, Holly. I know that she probably isn't dead, and I'm just being my usual paranoid self, but my brain doesn't think that. It's very anachronistic at times. I think an emoticon would be in order at this present time. :-(

_Flashback: I call the number I know almost off by heart, dialing it virtually on my MyPad. It rings for a coouple of seconds, and then an automated cheery voice informs me that: "Boo hoo. The number that you are calling is in another dimension at the moment and is not available..." It was about to go on, but I hang up, shocked. Not by the fact that the phone was in another dimension, of course it went with Artemis, but that the phone Kitty Eden had patented knew that..._

I jerk myself out of the past as I clomp past the streets of low flying sprites just waiting to get speeding tickets. I call up LEPTraffic on my phone. They should really keep their eyes on the job.

There's a big screen plasma TV in the street so civilians can watch TV while going about their business. A newsflash pops up as I trot by, but I mostly ignore it. The pixie newsreader continues her report in a loud, brash voice. She apparently doesn't care what the Frond she's actually reading, but seems to be just there for the attention.

"And in the latest news, the now ex-commander of LEPrecon has been accused of blashemphy and willingness to let the lost eighth family of the fairies to die off-"

I flip around, all of my attention now on the screen.

"and actually said so in a v-memo, displayed here-"

A photo of a computer screen appears on the screen, which is is kind of ironic given that the memo is displayed on an old-fashioned computer screen. I focus my attention on what the reader is saying, as I already know what the memo says, after I had hacked into the LEP memo files. They might as well have left out a door mat saying: "Please Hack Me!" and the access codes next to it.

She continues: "After this shocking news, the previously private and before that major Trouble was promoted to commander, since all the other captains, majors and the like all supported Sool's decisions. And here's Trouble with his opinion."

Trouble walks onto the screento much viirtual applause. "Thanks Avian, " he says.  
"Now, Trouble, what do you have to say about the ex-commander , Mr. Sool?"  
He looks directly at the screen.  
"If you're watching this , Sool, there'll be a Retrieval squad out for you in the first few hours I'm commander. Youu're a (bleep went the swear indicator) rotten pig, SOol, and if Holly SHort never comes back, I'mn blaming it on you."  
"Okay," says the the reader, apparently disconcertend. "Andd have you got any messages for the members of LEPrecon that you'll be commanding soon?"  
"Yes," he replied, and it seemed in that one moment that he was looking right at me. "Foaly, I know you're listening, I put that screen there, come back to LEPrcon. We need _someone _to run the technical bits. And, Grub," he smiled here. "Go tell Mummy."

I reared back on my hooves and whinnied really loudly. Some civilians stopped to look, but they couldn't see me. I was already on my way.

**(A/N: I'm going to be trying to update once a week, but my computer time is at the mercy of my mother. Also, I got kicked off the computer halfway, so you'll see a grey line there. But, still, review! I luv you all.**

**~TheBigCat**

**The Big Cat who is lovin' all her readers.)**


	7. Another Ghost?

**(A/N- Howdy everyone! Thanks for the amazing reviews, I'm up to 16 now! Yay! Thanks to my new and old reviewers, and here they are, along with some messages: **

**Keyson(Yeah, thanks for reviewing, hope you like this chapter!)**

**Harry Artemis Jackson(Yes, I liked writing it too!)**

**Housemech10 (I was wondering if you'd pop up. Actually, this is the only other time that I've added kitty in. I put her in to see if you'd review. Yes, I'm very naughty. ****)**

**Juliegirl22 (I feel for you, sister!)**

**Bkaddictjk (LOL right back to you!)**

**And of course Ders7045 and RapunzelInTheSnow, which I can only say '=-)' to.**

**Well, on with the story!)**

It was a normal day at the office, at least as normal as it can be without Holly there. All the normal officers were flitting past, glad to be back, like Foaly was, but they didn't know what it was like. He counted them and named them as they flitted, tunneled, galloped and walked nervously down the hallway.

Commander Trouble, Chix Verbil, Mulch Diggums, Mayne, That Dumb Pixie Whose Name He Forgot, Wing Commander Vínaya , The ghost of Julius Root-

Wait.

Foaly shook his head. He must have been imagining things. There was absolutely no way that Julius was here. He had died months ago. But the slightly transparent image of him remained. It revolved slightly in the air. A voice came on in the background.

"This was Commander Julius Root, one of the most celebrated commanders of the LEP…"

Of course, the LEPrecon was doing a series of shorts called: We Remember Them. Initiated by Trouble Kelp, of course. Foaly, of course, loved that idea. Or should that be: 'Of Horse'? Anyway, it was a fantastic way to pay respect.

Foaly clomped over to his office and booted up his computers. Hmmm. 5 seconds. They were slow today. A particular box caught his eye. He enlarged it and grinned with glee. He quickly sent off texts to everyone on his 'Gossip' mailing list and galloped off to watch the fun.

ooOOoo

Chix Verbil viewed the message from Foaly with glee. He rose his body off the ground, forwarded the message to everyone in his inbox, and sped off to watch the fireworks.

ooOOoo

Mulch Diggums viewed the text and did much the same, without the flying bit though.

ooOOoo

And somewhere within the LEP building, someone was_ very_ angry at Foaly…

**(A/N: Wow! Cliffhanger, huh? Right, guess what's going to happen! And place an order for cookies, doughnuts, or croissants while you're at it, so I know what to give you! Also, I'm up to 240 Views and 79 Visitors on my story this month! So, see that button down there? Click it!**

**~TheBigCat**

**~The Big Cat who is baking cookies, croissants and doughnuts for her fantastic readers.)**


	8. A Big Welcome to Fake Holly

**(A/N: Howdy guys! Sorry for updating later than usual, I had stuff on. Longer note at the bottom, see you then!)**

_Recap: And somewhere in the building, someone was very mad at Foaly…_

Everyone was heading towards the cafeteria, many had frankly no idea what was going on, but they were going anyway. The centaurs in the crowd actually had people clinging to their backs, which was a mortification that they'd never live down. Sprites had fairies with no wings, desperate to see what was going on, and there were tunnels popping up underneath the entire building, due to the dwarves underneath.

o-O-OO-O-o

Mulch, Nord, Sherita, and Sherry were one of the aforementioned dwarves under the building. As a matter of fact, they were in a little hidey-hole underneath the place where Foaly, our 'hero' was standing. They had carved the place years before (actually, Sherry and Sherita had) and were now there waiting for the fireworks to start.

You of course know Mulch, a main character, and probably you know Nord, his cousin, who he had broken out of jail a few times previously. But you will not know Sherry and Sherita, who were a happily married couple of dwarves that Mulch and Nord knew from the Sozzled Parrot, a popular dwarf hangout and bragging post. 'Happily married' is not the usual description for a pair of dwarves, which have the delightful saying: 'If it's got gold, espouse it." But Sherry and Sherita were not your usual dwarves. They had met when they both robbed (or rather, tried to rob) a ship carrying precious metals. They didn't know that they weren't the only one robbing it, and it was love at first sight, as much as love can be when you're covered by mud. They were arrested, and married after 2 years of dating in the prison chapel. The bride's gown was beautiful, made of calico sack, and as soon as they kissed, they dived down into the ground and escaped. Strangely, no one bothered to recapture them.

And now they were both down there, waiting with their fellow dwarves, waiting for the fun bit to start.

o-O-OO-O-o

Foaly, waiting in a long line to the cafeteria, stomped his hooves in impatience. Not all of them at once, of course. That would just be an extremely awkward bunny hop. He wasn't used to waiting in line as a technical expert, usually, he could just press a button and a mechanically orchestrated dinosaur'd clear the way for him. But this wasn't an ordinary line. Majors and Privates, even lunch maids alike were jumbled in the line. Which was strange. Shouldn't the lunch maids be in the cafeteria? Maybe they were on lunch break. Anyway, Foaly scanned the crowd, looking for familiar faces. Strange. He couldn't see the commander of Grub Kelp. Foaly shrugged his extremely broad shoulders. It didn't matter. Just wait 'till the fireworks started…

o-O-OO-O-o

Finally, everyone was in the cafeteria, or mostly everyone anyway. No one noticed the people that weren't there. Everyone held their breath. Eventually they had to take another one, since nothing was happening. And another. And another.

Eventually, everyone started to file out, when Holly Short burst into the room.

"WHAT?!" everyone said simultaneously.

"Hi everyone," she said in a fake-sounding breathy voice. This didn't look like Holly, everyone thought. Simultaneously.

Trouble Kelp filed out behind Holly, looking smug.

"Right everyone, this is the substitute Holly for another short we're doing- pardon the pun- on We Remember Them," he said.

One brave sprite swooped down where she had been sitting in the rafters, and plucked off 'Holly's' wig to reveal…

…

…

…One very pissed- off looking Grub Kelp.

Instantly the place was in an outrage.

"Holly is not dead!" Foaly yelled.

And it was at that very moment it was that 4 dwarves tunneled through the floor setting off the underground fireworks they had planted there earlier.

**(A/N: Hi guys! Thanks for reading, this is possibly the longest chapter I've done! Yeah, I took the idea from HouseMech, but the original was a lot shorter and boring… So thanks! Dedicated to you. I need ideas for chapters, PM me, or review one of my other stories. This is just so someone doesn't find it out by looking at reviews. So, I'm going to write another story at the same time of this one soon, check out this story in preparation: s/4014671/2/The-Sue-Slayers-A-New-Fangirologist **

**Okay, bye,**

**~TheBigCat)**


	9. Attack of the Multicolored Bubbles!

**(A/N: Hey, everyone, your attention here please.**

**Thank you.**

**This is a public apology to one of my reviewers, Keyson. It was his idea for the last chapter, not HouseMech's, so I'm really sorry to him, here's some cookies, donuts and crossaints.**

**(::) (::) (::) (0) (0) (0) (^) (^) (^)**

**See ya at the bottom!)**

Dear Digital Diary,

What a day. What a day.

Mass hysteria, screaming, incessant twitching and the whole week off work.

And that was only one person.

After the fireworks had been set off, Mulch and his little dwarf friends ran around releasing their body odors and screaming things to the effect of:

"Wop like Ganam Style!"

"Dwarves rule, Grub's a fool!"

"Hi Holly!"

"Hey ja(_For a complete list of things they said, buy the full copy of this book for Haven University, they'd be very glad to have their parking lots back.)_

You get the picture. Luckily, I had my Super Big Remote Control-The-World Deluxe™ with me, patent pending, and I pushed the big red button…

Releasing a flurry of rainbow-colored balloons. That bit was extremely humiliating. I mean, is it my fault that I'm colorblind? I had accidently hit the big _purple _button, which I mainly used for birthday parties and annoying Mulch. You know, serious stuff. Luckily, everyone loved the bubbles, and it was enough to distract the dwarves. In fact, the bubbles somehow pulled Mulch back into the past, when Julius was still alive and we were trying to get information out of him.

Here's a video.

"_You won't get anything out of me," Mulch says defiantly. Julius grins at him, which was a sure sign that things were about to get ugly._

"_You aren't in the best position to say that, convict." He presses a button on the intercom. "Foaly? Send it in."_

_I come onto the screen, puffing as I push a huge box into Mulch's cell. Julius frowns._

"_Don't you have techies to do this for you, Foaly?"_

_He's right. Usually I'd be trotting in with a smug grin on my face, (not really) expecting Julius to cry salty tears over my brilliantness while some lowly grunt puffed and brought my invention to my feet._

"_The techies are sick," I admit. Julius frowns. _

"_Weren't they the ones that tried to make the convict talk?" I nod._

"_CONVICT!" He turns to me. "Let's get this dwarf on the mudslide."_

_I grin and press a big purple button. Multicolored bubbles surround the dwarf. He screams. They are so bright that his retinas are damaging and his skin is burning…_

Ah, good times. We got him and his slippery friends under lock and key in no time.

Signing off,

Pony Boy

(Hey! Who hacked me?)

**(A/N: Hey, you like? Review! And Jacotheman, if you're reading this, you better start Betaing my story!**

**Special thanks to my reviewers: HouseMech, Naddalemer4realditime, 44lefty, Juliegirl and Amberdiangelo. I love you guys! Also, I've updated my profile, so take a look.**

**Signing off,**

**~TheBigIdiot**

**Who is very mad because Pony Boy hacked her profile in retaliation)**


	10. Let's Go Phishing!

**(A/N: Hey guys! I'm not dead, contrary to popular beliefs. :-) So, here I am. Let's pretend that I didn't forget that Cabiline and Foaly were together before this story started. I was on camp last week… anyway, on with the story!**

**Gnommish word of the week: shia – 'is, was, are, am')**

Dear Digital Diary,

Today was my day off, so Calibine**(spell check) **and I went out for a jog around Haven's weather sim park. The pixie at the counter was being a bit difficult with us when we tried to get in.

"But there was never a fee on going to the weather park before!"

"New rules, centaur. This thing is gonna get demolished in a decade or so, otherwise, so if you wanna get in, pay up."

He held out his hand, clearly expecting me to hand over my credit card. Instead, I pulled out a small chip. He looked at it curiously.

"it's a new type of payment system," I explained. "Just hold it under the scanner like any other credit card."

Now, I like to think that I'm not a good liar because I am inclined to theifly ways- I am completely honest! (sort of…) but this was desperate, okay? The chip was another one of my miraculous inventions, patent pending because of the electrocution danger. It actually did have money on it, so I wasn't _that _guilty. Anyway, the pixie slapped the chip under the scanner. I winced. I hate it when technology is abused. But the technology soon got it's revenge. 1 second. Two seconds. Three.

_Bzzztrucpct!_

The pixie lay on the floor, gently steaming.

"I thought this was a no-smoking section of Haven," Calibine remarked as we stepped into the park.

"Ah well, I invented this place anyway."

o-o-0-0-O-OOO-O-0-0-o-o

We spent two happy hours playing in the leaves, snow, sun, rain and wind like little kids. You know the human saying 'Time Flies"? Well, that was certainly true. So, after I dropped Callie back, I went home for a bit of phishing. Mwah ha ha. I do love messing with human sites. I phished the following:

Google, Google Plus, Google Images, Youtube and all other Google products;

Wikipedia (I'd never liked it anyway);

Something called FanFiction;

WordPress and other blogging sites.

I'd just moved onto the smaller sites when I saw a certain site… Guns&Ammo&Weaponry dot com

Hmmm…

I opened up my browser and logged onto the Web Site. Sure enough, the name of the person who had started the site was called The Hunter's Guardian. That hint was so obvious that I wanted to bang my head against the keypad repeatedly.

More tomorrow…

Foaly (The Idiot)

_Kitty, if that's you I swear shia cowpog medsa yomshow D'arvit…_

**(A/N: Tee hee hee. What fun. Okay, I'll do a little Gnommish in each chapter so you can work out what Foaly was saying to me…**

**So, I am sorry about updating. Mum's being strict, and you know how it is, I kept bugging her but…**

**Okay, I know that there are people who are READING BUT NOT REVIEWING! ARGH! That's just horrible! So if you're reading this, review! Or else!**

**I also did the first chapter of another story, Stayin' Alive. Read it, it's kinda good.**

**For now, bye!**

**~TheBigIdiot**

**(FOALY!))**


	11. A most puzzling mystery

**(A/N: Alrighty, thanks for the reviews. You must now promise to do whatever I tell you to do at the bottom of the chapter. Swear on all your Artemis Fowl love and lore!**

**Thanks. See ya at the bottom!**

**Gnommish word of the week: medsa- kill, maim, murder)**

* * *

Dear Digital Diary,

Yesterday was just a turmoil of confusion and phishing. After I bandaged my head after banging it against the keyboard (I know, I should use a v-board instead, they're softer) I called Artemis's fairy communicator, or, more accurately, Butler's. He's using it to contact us since he can't do it any other way. And, an automated answering machine answered me.

_"Hello, this is the home of someone very important. If you are prank calling, advertising, or just randomly dialing numbers I'd advise you to hang up at once," _a familiar voice informed me in menacing tones. _"...or my bodyguard will come over and cruch your head. Holly, Foaly," _the voice took on a kinder tone. _"If this is you, please leave a message after the tone. *BEEP*"_

I quickly left a message.

"Hi Butler, call me back. This is Pony Boy," I added in case humans were tapping the line.

And then I waited. What follows is a transcript of what I did while I was waiting.

1.00- Sat and waited

1.10- Began to get twitchy.

1.15- Extremely twitchy.

1.20- Couldn't stand it any longer.

1.21- Screamed.

1.22- Still screaming.

1.40- Still screaming.

1.45- Calmed down

1.50- Still calming down.

2.00- Had a carrot.

2.05- ...and then the com link rang.

I picked up my virtual phone.

"Hey big man!" I whinnied.

"Foaly," Butler replied formally. "Why did you want to speak to me?"

I was momentarily stymied. Why _did _I want to talk to Butler? Then I remembered. Now, I hate the quotation marks, so I'm just going to put a transcript of our conversation here.

*BEEP* BEGIN TRANSCRIPT HERE... PRINTING... PRINTING...

Foaly- Do you happen to know anyone called 'Hunter's Guardian' or a name to that effect.

Butler- Ummm...

Foaly- Butler. Naughty, naughty, naughty.

Butler- What? I made sure that the site was secure.

Foaly- Butler. You know better then to go posting fairy weapons and technology blueprints online.

Butler- What?

Foaly- And for your information, it was not secured!

Butler- I didn't post it online!

Foaly- Wait a moment. You didn't?

Butler- No, I didn't!

Foaly- (Pauses) Then that means we're in big trouble.

Butler- And Artemis isn't here.

Foaly- Right. I'm sending up a shuttle to get you. It should be there in under 12 hours.

Butler- I'll be packed.

*END TRANSCRIPT*

So, as you can see, we have a major crisis on my hands. Well, anyway, Butler's going to be here tomorrow. So, I'll inform the commander.

Carrot pie tonight! And carrot cake for dessert! Hey, ever noticed that 'desserts' is 'stressed' spelled backwards?

Signing off,

Foaly

(Yay! No hackers tonight!)

**(A/N: Yep. I'm just biding my time. Anyway, you may have noticed that I changed the info on the summary and added characters. I hope it's okay. Right, my friend is coming over in half an hour, so I'm gonna be quick. Please read and review the two current stories I'm working on, namely, Stayin' Alive and this one. Also, and this is my request from the top of the chapter, please search for and read the AF story: 'The Sue Slayers: A new Fangirologist'. It's really good, and it ties in with a project I'm working on with someone, who wishes to be called 'Tony Stark'. And yes, I'm rolling my eyes.**

**Please review!**

**~TheBigCat)**


	12. A load of lists

**(A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in forever, Mum was mean. So, to make up, I'm doing a long chapter.**

**Gnommish Word: yomshaw- again and again)**

Dear Digital Diary,

This is not Foaly. This is his computer, doing an automated diary entry. This is what happened to him today.

He got up.

He yawned.

He got dressed.

He yawned.

He had a shower.

He yawned.

He made breakfast.

He yawned.

He ate breakfast.

He yawned.

He opened the door.

He…

(SYSTEM OVERRIDE)

Sorry, my computer is stupid sometimes. I am not away, but in fact was busy last night, doing tons of work. Here's my report.

Report 129681

"The Unauthorized Website of Fairy Things"

Evidence shows that a human or a fairy going undercover as a human has been posting secret fairy weaponry/technology online under the name: 'Hunter's Guardian'. The name Artemis means 'Hunter', as he has told us so many times, and the human's bodyguard is Butler. (Note: The human known as Artemis Fowl is missing in action, along with former Captain Holly Short and two demons. See files 755-800 for a brief summary.) Putting two and two together, we called up D. Butler and asked him- oh, for Frond's sake, let's call it what it was- interrogated him about his website. Butler was puzzled, and, when subjected to the Mesmer, he did not reveal anything. Further investigation needed.

So, there's my report. Trouble Kelp is flying out in a couple of days to investigate where the IP code came from- Hawaii, to be exact. I'm busy preparing a mission kit for him.

I've got a contents list pasted out here…

1 shimmer suit. New version

Koboi DoubleDex. (I hate to, but that's the only pair of wings left)

Medical set.

Human disguiser. My new invention!

Magic flow regulator. So you don't run out of magic too quickly…

Mobile HQ.

Cham pod.

A lot of other stuff…

So? I think that's enough. And in case you were wondering, here's how the human disguiser works…

First, you select how you want to look. There's a bunch of styles and you can add on tattoos, earrings, that type of stuff.

Then, hair stylin' time! That's always the fun part.

You can also shop in shops around the surface of the world to get a perfect fashion. I'm thinking of designing it so kids can shop and earn coins so they can buy more stuff… anyway.

You then strap it to your head… and press the button! Presto ! A hologram pops up! And you now look like a human. Pretty cool now!

Bye for now, got to get to work…

Foaly..

**(A/N: Okay. Next week I'm doing a chapter of Stayin' Alive instead, so sorry. Really. I am. Don't you think I am?**

**Okay. Maybe not. But still, read and review. If you find out what Foaly meant in chapter 10, post a review. Please review! I want to get to 150 by the end of the story! Pweeese?**

**~TheBigCat)**


	13. A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

Okay guys, sorry if you thought this was a real chapter, but I am not going to be on for a while. My mother is thinking that FanFiction is harmful to my health, so could you all do me a favour and not post any porn fics for a while? And no inappropriate comments? If you do that, I'll be on that much quicker.

Again, sorry!

~TheBigCat


	14. Trouble In Paradise

**(A/N: I AM BACK! But only for now. I only posted this chapter 'cause I had a tiny bit of extra time at school. See you at the bottom!)**

Dear Digital Diary,  
What a day. WHAT A DAY. The Haiwii mission was an absolute disaster, and it'll take years to clear up the red tape. I mean, the Fowl incident was bad enough, but...  
Anyway. The LEP has a new problem on their hands, called Jade Winstey. She is a really bad problem of a pixie, but that's it. She's not smart. Well, I'd better give you the mission details.

Mission 7689, LEPrecon

See Report 129681 for background details.

Officer Trouble Kelp arrived at the mission destination (Hawaii) with no incident, apart from a stray dolphin leaping up and attempting to nip him. (Don't ask.) When Kelp touched down, a local's poison dart skimmed him. It did not cause injury, due to his new issue shimmer suit, but it was intentionally aimed, and Kelp had his shield up. This led him (and us) to conclude that the aimer was a fairy, and so curled up in a ball to minimise his target. The aimer then stepped into the open, revealing herself to be an escaped fairy fugitive, Jade Winstey. Officer Kelp then proceeded to capture her, bind her magic, and bring her back to the LEP for questioning. At least, that's what he _tried _to do. In reality, as soon as he tried to tranquilise her, an odd shimmer appeared in the air, which deflected the trank. Then, when he tried the Neutrino 4000, it bounced back, and knocked him out. He was then bound, gagged, and left in a tree for Retrieval to find 4 human hours later.

See? This is the type of thing I have to deal with every day. Now I'm busy digging up every file I can find on Jade Winstey. She's a fairly evil pixie, and if Opal Koboi is 10 and Mulch is 1 on the evil scale, Jade would be 6. She's severely lacking in the intelligence department, however, so she has asked Opal on several counts to create plans for her. But Opal is safely locked up in her cell. See, here's the feed!

_Opal sits on the bed in her tiny cell, looking at the wall. She rises. _

"_I know you're watching, Foaly! Someday I'll get out! But I'm out of plans, now!"_

I think that classifies. But earlier this day, Mulch and Doodah came in. They have big plans, apparently.

Mulch: Hey Pony Boy, can we have a second?

Doodah: Yeah, we have something important to tell you!

Mulch: We're restarting the detective business!  
Me: But what about Holly?

Doodah: I'm taking over from the elf girl.

Me: (laughs) You?

Doodah: Yes, what's wrong with me?

Me: Well, you've barely got a brain cell between the two of you! How are you supposed to catch criminals!

Mulch: Hey, that's not very fair. Who's saved your skin all those times?

Me: Good point, but still! The pixie!

Doodah: That's not very fair, either! I bet I could understand quantum physics if I had the time!

…and that's why Doodad's coming in every Wednesday to take quantum physics lessons from me. Anyway. Continuing…

Mulch: Anyway, donkey, we came in here to find someone to hunt.

Me: (still laughing) Well, if you insist…

And I pushed the file of Jade across the table to them. If they find her, I will personally give Mulch that medal that he's been aiming at since the Opal incident.

Signing off for my evening carrot,

Foaly

**(A/N: Well, that's Chapter 13 and a half! I am sincerely sorry for not updating for… what was it? Three months? Anyway. I'll post the next chapter **_**when I have time! **_**Okay. Bye!**

**~TheBigCat)**


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